When You Don't Subscribe to Patriarchy, Parenting is a Bitch
Obedience to authority is meant to uphold a hierarchy. Parent=leader. Child=follower. Otherwise, CHAOS! But let me tell you, there will be chaos no matter what. Humans are messy, and little humans who are still developing are even more so. And so the failure of children to obey is not a parenting failure. It's a human inevitability.
I think we care too much about our perceived adherence to social norms. We're too embarrassed by our loud or stubborn or aggressive or irrational or inconsiderate kids. We care less about what their behavior is communicating to us, and more about what their behavior says about us as parents. Even though we all know that so much of whether or not our kids sleep through the night or push other kids or eat all their vegetables or say hello properly is totally arbitrary. Our parenting battles are all unique and universal.
I read this article today in The Atlantic about schools in the Middle East and how they're failing the boys. The girls outperform the boys in their academic measures, despite having little prospect for employment or higher status. It highlighted just how crippling patriarchy is to both men and women. The schools are segregated by sex. Because the standards for women to achieve are higher, the girls get better teachers. The boys' schools are more violent and chaotic. Their male teachers may not want to be there since it's not a well-paid profession. I was struck and saddened by how rigid notions of masculinity is leading to a loss of opportunities for boys. The kids themselves were aware that there was nothing immutable about their gender that made them succeed or fail at school. It was the structure of the education system and cultural norms.
I find myself thinking about these questions: What do we get when we invest our time and energy in maintaining traditional hierarchies? What do we lose when we don't allow people to live their full and complicated humanity?
Tonight, I had to apologize yet again to Louie for losing my cool. And we talked about it. We talked about how crazy it is that we're not always nice to the people we love. How this didn't make sense, yet we all do it and will continue to do it, despite all our best efforts. Love is complicated and full of everything. The patriarchy might try to make us fear that and squash our impulse for mess, but we are stronger. We love each other, no matter what.
I think we care too much about our perceived adherence to social norms. We're too embarrassed by our loud or stubborn or aggressive or irrational or inconsiderate kids. We care less about what their behavior is communicating to us, and more about what their behavior says about us as parents. Even though we all know that so much of whether or not our kids sleep through the night or push other kids or eat all their vegetables or say hello properly is totally arbitrary. Our parenting battles are all unique and universal.
I read this article today in The Atlantic about schools in the Middle East and how they're failing the boys. The girls outperform the boys in their academic measures, despite having little prospect for employment or higher status. It highlighted just how crippling patriarchy is to both men and women. The schools are segregated by sex. Because the standards for women to achieve are higher, the girls get better teachers. The boys' schools are more violent and chaotic. Their male teachers may not want to be there since it's not a well-paid profession. I was struck and saddened by how rigid notions of masculinity is leading to a loss of opportunities for boys. The kids themselves were aware that there was nothing immutable about their gender that made them succeed or fail at school. It was the structure of the education system and cultural norms.
I find myself thinking about these questions: What do we get when we invest our time and energy in maintaining traditional hierarchies? What do we lose when we don't allow people to live their full and complicated humanity?
Tonight, I had to apologize yet again to Louie for losing my cool. And we talked about it. We talked about how crazy it is that we're not always nice to the people we love. How this didn't make sense, yet we all do it and will continue to do it, despite all our best efforts. Love is complicated and full of everything. The patriarchy might try to make us fear that and squash our impulse for mess, but we are stronger. We love each other, no matter what.
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