Parenting in the Age of Trump
The truth is, though, Trump has not brought about the misogyny or racism or division we see around us today. He's only a particularly egregious example of what happens when power and ego go unchecked, when we collectively fail to check it. That we have to explain to our children why other leaders may oppose him or demonstrate a lack of respect for him or why we ourselves may stand opposed to our country's leadership on issues like the despicable way we're managing/mismanaging the disaster in Puerto Rico, or our ongoing crisis in gun violence, or the civil rights of Muslims or African-Americans or transgender people or women, or the reality of climate change, or how we're ignoring the unsustainable burdens we place on everyone else when we decide to prioritize the will of the uber-wealthy, etc. is merely the price we have to pay for failing to hold our democracy to higher standards.
But we've always had to parent in an imperfect world. We are all products of it. So what can we do differently? Can we recognize how we all are explicitly or implicitly upholding a system that oppresses and at the same time, denies the existence of oppression? Are not the #metoo and #blacklivesmatter the secret hidden in plain sight?
I have sons. Some people might think that feminism is outside my lane, but if men and future men are not part of the solution, then we are doomed. I am not a feminist because I am a woman or because I want more power for myself. I'm a feminist because I want more for my sons (and your sons and your daughters) than this paltry world of divisions and arbitrary limits. So this is what I'm trying to teach them:
1. Their bodies belong to them. They have a right to say no and expect that people respect their boundaries. Even family members who love them. No one should touch them if they don't give their consent. I don't make them give their bodies to anyone.
2. Everyone else's body belongs to that individual. So if I don't want to be touched, they have to respect that boundary too. No one is required to hold their hand if they don't want to. They can't make people do what they want, but every touch is gift given to them.
3. All bodies are sacred. That power belongs exclusively to each of us.
4. Sex is an expression. It will say what we make it say. Just as we are responsible for our words and actions, we are responsible for this.
5. We're always learning, always practicing and modeling, always listening, always giving space for everything, the good, the bad, the past, the future, the present.
I will not be telling my sons to protect the girls, but they should stand with anyone who is experiencing abuse. I will not set them up to be the expected saviors or guardians. I ask them to consider girls as friends, mentors and equal partners. They may break hearts. Maybe even their own. I will show them how to pick up the pieces. I will show them to how handle with deep care someone else's broken pieces. Together, we are all building a bigger freedom than any of us have ever known.
But we've always had to parent in an imperfect world. We are all products of it. So what can we do differently? Can we recognize how we all are explicitly or implicitly upholding a system that oppresses and at the same time, denies the existence of oppression? Are not the #metoo and #blacklivesmatter the secret hidden in plain sight?
I have sons. Some people might think that feminism is outside my lane, but if men and future men are not part of the solution, then we are doomed. I am not a feminist because I am a woman or because I want more power for myself. I'm a feminist because I want more for my sons (and your sons and your daughters) than this paltry world of divisions and arbitrary limits. So this is what I'm trying to teach them:
1. Their bodies belong to them. They have a right to say no and expect that people respect their boundaries. Even family members who love them. No one should touch them if they don't give their consent. I don't make them give their bodies to anyone.
2. Everyone else's body belongs to that individual. So if I don't want to be touched, they have to respect that boundary too. No one is required to hold their hand if they don't want to. They can't make people do what they want, but every touch is gift given to them.
3. All bodies are sacred. That power belongs exclusively to each of us.
4. Sex is an expression. It will say what we make it say. Just as we are responsible for our words and actions, we are responsible for this.
5. We're always learning, always practicing and modeling, always listening, always giving space for everything, the good, the bad, the past, the future, the present.
I will not be telling my sons to protect the girls, but they should stand with anyone who is experiencing abuse. I will not set them up to be the expected saviors or guardians. I ask them to consider girls as friends, mentors and equal partners. They may break hearts. Maybe even their own. I will show them how to pick up the pieces. I will show them to how handle with deep care someone else's broken pieces. Together, we are all building a bigger freedom than any of us have ever known.
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