I Need to Find A Way to Stop Letting the World Steal My Joy
Sometimes it feels like parenting human children and observing our unjust world are too analogous. How many times do I have to tell you to LISTEN??????? Ugh.
I just don't know. I mean, I do know that lecturing, nagging, punishing, retaliating are not effective. I know that connection is much more powerful. I know that we have to give each other enormous amounts of grace. But still, sometimes this burden of moving forward is just so heavy.
When L is rude or simply trying my patience, I realize that he's merely reflecting my negative communication patterns. How often do I expect instant mood change and compliance? So when he tells me to stop insisting on my way, he's mirroring my reactions when he insists on his way. We're locked inside these futile battles. But why am I continuing to view my child as an adversary?
None of us is perfect. There's really nothing we can do about it. And so love is always going to be something of a mixed bag. I feel like it's the ultimate fake-it-until-you-make-it endeavor. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong.
L has a lot of trouble with accountability. He hates to be wrong. He hates to be disagreed with. I would like to bring him out of himself in these moments. I can tell that his sense of self is very threatened by the thought of disapproval. We tell him all the time that we love him no matter what, but he still has incredible attachment to unconditional approval. This, of course, we cannot give him. Sometimes he does things that are unacceptable. I think I need a better strategy to help him deal with it. Or maybe I need to give myself some distance because I don't care that much that he makes mistakes, but I get so frustrated that he seems to want to erase his fallibility. This is probably too triggering for me. I mean, I've spent my entire life as a woman of color dealing with erasure and gaslighting. I'm realizing that my battles with my children are a reflection of larger issues that I'm still working through. And I am so worried that I'm just setting them up to repeat the same old patterns.
How does anyone open a heart? I can barely do it myself. How do I model it for my children? But I suppose that tomorrow is a new day, there's always another step to take. What's the alternative?
I just don't know. I mean, I do know that lecturing, nagging, punishing, retaliating are not effective. I know that connection is much more powerful. I know that we have to give each other enormous amounts of grace. But still, sometimes this burden of moving forward is just so heavy.
When L is rude or simply trying my patience, I realize that he's merely reflecting my negative communication patterns. How often do I expect instant mood change and compliance? So when he tells me to stop insisting on my way, he's mirroring my reactions when he insists on his way. We're locked inside these futile battles. But why am I continuing to view my child as an adversary?
None of us is perfect. There's really nothing we can do about it. And so love is always going to be something of a mixed bag. I feel like it's the ultimate fake-it-until-you-make-it endeavor. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong.
L has a lot of trouble with accountability. He hates to be wrong. He hates to be disagreed with. I would like to bring him out of himself in these moments. I can tell that his sense of self is very threatened by the thought of disapproval. We tell him all the time that we love him no matter what, but he still has incredible attachment to unconditional approval. This, of course, we cannot give him. Sometimes he does things that are unacceptable. I think I need a better strategy to help him deal with it. Or maybe I need to give myself some distance because I don't care that much that he makes mistakes, but I get so frustrated that he seems to want to erase his fallibility. This is probably too triggering for me. I mean, I've spent my entire life as a woman of color dealing with erasure and gaslighting. I'm realizing that my battles with my children are a reflection of larger issues that I'm still working through. And I am so worried that I'm just setting them up to repeat the same old patterns.
How does anyone open a heart? I can barely do it myself. How do I model it for my children? But I suppose that tomorrow is a new day, there's always another step to take. What's the alternative?
Comments
Post a Comment