I Am Not Good At This
Or perhaps the term, good, is just too imprecise. I strive to show my kids concretely that I love them all the time, no matter what, but I fail at this quite frequently. Do I think that this failure harms them? Well, if I don't own up to it, if I think that it's more important to maintain my authority than reveal my humanity, then yes, I do think it would harm them. We are all capable of overcoming parental shortcomings. We know that you don't need perfect parents in order to become decent human beings.
But I do think that children are born with an enormous capacity for love. Their love for us is a given. For a while. But it doesn't remain that way forever. If they aren't loved unconditionally, if they're constantly criticized, if they're continually cast aside, if they aren't accepted as they are, their love will diminish. That's just human nature. Love has to be fed.
It's not easy to do this. I know that my emotional circuitry is not primed for unconditional love. I have neither the perfect marriage nor perfect kids. And even though perfection is not my aspiration, I find myself frustrated and disconnected a lot. It's probably why I write so much.
I tell Louie that it matters what you do, but it matters more what you do after you've done something wrong. And this pretty much sums up my parenting style. Forgiveness and redemption. Which isn't pretty. But it's necessary for the kind of lasting relationship I'd like to have with my children and really anyone I care about. I don't assume anything about my relationships. They are constantly made and remade. That process matters.
But I do think that children are born with an enormous capacity for love. Their love for us is a given. For a while. But it doesn't remain that way forever. If they aren't loved unconditionally, if they're constantly criticized, if they're continually cast aside, if they aren't accepted as they are, their love will diminish. That's just human nature. Love has to be fed.
It's not easy to do this. I know that my emotional circuitry is not primed for unconditional love. I have neither the perfect marriage nor perfect kids. And even though perfection is not my aspiration, I find myself frustrated and disconnected a lot. It's probably why I write so much.
I tell Louie that it matters what you do, but it matters more what you do after you've done something wrong. And this pretty much sums up my parenting style. Forgiveness and redemption. Which isn't pretty. But it's necessary for the kind of lasting relationship I'd like to have with my children and really anyone I care about. I don't assume anything about my relationships. They are constantly made and remade. That process matters.
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