Radical Parenting

I'm reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, and the above passage is really sticking with me. What message are my kids receiving from me? I think we lose sight of this in the daily grind of modern life, but this is also true in all relationships. While we have to give our loved ones the benefit of the doubt, the aftermath of inconsiderate actions or words cannot be discounted and must be addressed. It's even more imperative to remember this as we parent our kids because they don't have years of experience to cushion harshness, to trust in our inviolable love. Every interaction now is building that cushion, that security that they are loved and valued, no matter what.

I know I engage in conditional parenting more often than I care to admit. Parenting for results or good behavior. I think it's extremely hard not to. There are so few models of unconditional parenting, and it's not really supported by our culture which values compliance in children above all else. I know there's no one way to best parent our children, but I think we'd be better off keeping in mind that we can always do better. That should be our goal. Children have a seemingly inexhaustible capacity to forgive our defects. We should be honoring their natural, generous spirit by working towards unconditional love.

I know also that my most disheartening parenting moments happen when I feel like Louie is being ungrateful. And I'm realizing that in these moments, I'm parenting with fear. Familiar and culturally reinforced fear. No one wants to raise a spoiled brat, but the fear of it is rather outsized, and I'm afraid (more fear!) it's making us be inflexible and uncaring with our children. I've been telling Louie that the world doesn't revolve around him, that we don't exist to cater to his whims. Which is true. But just being told that in an exasperated voice is not giving him the tools to navigate that truth. I need to take a moment, offer him attention, show him that he's been heard, and elicit his cooperation the way I'd try to persuade any other human being. And accept that sometimes my persuasion will fall short.

Too often I notice that he is anxious for my approval, for any adult's praise. I hate that we've done this to him, however unintentionally. It's something I need to work on. Unconditional love is not for the weak. We need to give our kids this experience of being listened to, respected and valued as is, so that they will always have the intrinsic strength to speak truth to power.

More on this later. Now I have to go to pick up. Modern life!